PokeKebab
by Kream45
Summary: Ash and Iris get hungry on their way to their village. Fortunately, Iris has her portable kebab maker, and Ash has this useless Eevee lying around in his backpack.


**/Author's note: Today I took a large shit. Now read./**

Ash sprayed jizz all over Iris's face and she swallowed everything that landed in her wide open mouth. Then they dressed up and headed back home.

"Damn, I wish my mom would just kick the bucket already." Ash said. "If she was dead, we wouldn't have to go all the way to the middle of a fucking forest to have secks."

"I think you're forgetting that if not for your mom, you wouldn't have any money for food, clothes and skins in League of Legends." Iris stated.

Ash let out a deep sigh. "You're right. Whatever, it's not like I can't walk these couple of kilometres."

It was already dark, and they were really tired. After about ten minutes of walking through the forest, they reached a road leading to their village. But it was still a very long walk from there.

"Say, Ash."

"Hm?"

"Gimme a snack or some shit."

"Alright, wait a sec."

Ash reached to his backpack and noticed an unsettling lack of anything to eat.

"Why you look so troubled?" Iris asked.

"We're out of snacks." Ash replied.

"Don't bullshit me, you packed two or three bags of cookies."

"..."

"You didn't?!"

"I must have forgotten."

"Clearly." Iris said in a very irritated tone.

Ash tried to look deeper in his backpack, but nothing came up.

"Damn... hey, maybe you try to check your backpack?"

"Nah, there's no food in there. I remember that I packed a couple of condoms, a strapon, some lotion and..."

Iris stopped in place.

"... a portable kebab maker."

Ash stopped and looked at her.

"No way."

"Yeah, it's here." Iris took it out. "I don't even know why I took that with me."

"It's a useful camping equipment."

"But... we don't have any meat anyway, and there's no way we can hunt anything."

Iris ponder for a second. "Or can we?"

She looked at Ash with a weird expression.

"What? Where are you getting at?"

"You still have that Eevee?"

"Yeah I do..." Ash grabbed one of his Pokeballs and showed it to Iris. "Still didn't manage to find any magical stones to evolve it, though."

"So it's basically useless?" Iris asked.

"In a Pokemon battle, yes, pretty much. But it's really cute."

"Whatever, I'm cute too." Iris said.

"But... you're a human."

Iris sighed. "MEANING that my life matters more than that of a Pokemon, right?"

"Yes, lol, I still don't understand."

"Ash." Iris put her right hand on Ash's arm. "Let's eat that Eevee."

"Wtf? No way!"

"Either we eat it or no anal for the next two months for you."

Ash got scared and he had to agree.

"Eevee, come out." Ash said and threw his pokeball on the ground. He didn't put any force in the throw, though.

"Meow?" Eevee made a noise that the author of this story thinks Eevee makes.

"Eevee... you know I love you, and that we're frie-"

Ash immediately stopped his monologue because Iris already shot Eevee to death with her shotgun.

"GODDAMN, you could've at least let me finish!" he shouted.

"No way, don't get too attached to a Pokemon." Iris said and turned on her kebab maker. "It's kill or be killed in this world, and that Eevee was just unlucky to be one step below us on the food chain."

"Jesus Christ, aren't we supposed to be Pokemon trainers?!"

"Yeah, but... they're just Pokemon, they're expendable." Iris said while shoving dead Eevee into the kebab maker.

"What the fuck... you're a monster, Iris. How can you call yourself a Pokemon trainer, if you're so easy to just get rid of your beloved battle partners?"

Iris pressed a button on the kebab maker and it started making loud, nightmare-inducing noises. She then got up and grabbed Ash's hand.

"Ash... you know I like my Pokemon, and I know you like yours, too."

"Yeah, right..."

"But you must understand. When it comes to survival, we have a priority. We're humans, it's our right to kill anything that stands on our way to achieve our goals. Okay? Please, don't cry. Come on, now."

Iris hugged Ash, who was crying.

"I know it was your friend, but... hey, I know what will make you feel better. Imagine this: yes, that Eevee is gone now. But! Its soul is alive and it travelled to some other Eevee in the world. The next one you ever catch, is gonna be the one that was your friend. Okay?"

"... I don't get it."

"It's like reincarnation. Your Eevee just left this body to transfer to another. There's only so many Eevee souls out there, so God reuses the same ones. It lives forever in you, and when you catch another Eevee, it's going to be your friend just like this one was. Ok?"

"..mhm..."

"Don't worry! :))" Iris smiled at Ash and pat him on the head. "As long as you remember that Eevee, it's never going to leave you."

"... thanks Iris. I feel better now."

";))"

The kebab maker made a 'ding' noise. The smell of grilled meat surrounded them.

"It's ready." Iris said. "Come Ash. Let's make sure you remember your friend by eating its previous body. I'm sure its soul is overjoyed to know that you're going to eat a kebab made out of him."

":)) Let's eat!" Ash said. He felt better now.

They ate the kebab and it filled their tummies. The meal was truly delicious. Ash and Iris spent a couple of minutes sitting on the grass, to rest a little after such meal.

However, the smell of grilled Pokemon attracted wild Pokemon. Before they noticed, they were already surrounded by a pack of wild Houndooms.

"Oh shit, what do we do now?" Iris cried.

"Stay behind me, I will talk to them." Ash replied.

Ash took a few steps towards the Houndooms.

"Umm... sup? You guys... want something?"

The Houndooms growled at him angrily.

"I've got this phone with me, it's really expensive, you can have it, but don't do us any harm, okay?"

The Houndooms kept getting angrier and angrier, and were approaching him and Iris slowly.

"Ash, what the fuck are you doing?!" Iris said.

"Oh shit, I just realized." Ash facepalmed.

"What?"

"They're not humans, I shouldn't have tried negotiating."

"You JUST noticed?!"

"Hey, maybe I should just take out my Charizard and battl-"

Ash was interrupted by a Houndoom that grabbed his backpack and ran away with it, throwing it somewhere away from him.

"Damn."

Ash and Iris spent the entire night getting assfucked by a bunch of Houndooms, and after they returned home next day, the Houndooms, who apparently didn't have enough, were waiting for them in the village, and Ash and Iris had to have their asses destroyed yet again. By dog Pokemon dicks.

**The End**

Hey guys, a small note for my readers: do remember to wash your hands whenever you "play" with your Pokemon.


End file.
